Well, let me tell you.
But first, a photo:
What is it, you ask?
That, my dear friends, is the spot in the fence where White Trash Neighbor's big grey pit bull has been chewing the boards up. Yes, chewing through wood with his big sharp fangs, sometimes looking meaningfully at me as he does it.
He is not content to bark at Goldie through the fence. He wants to get into my yard to attack Goldie. He and his friend, the other pit bull, really, really hate Goldie.
This morning it got really bad. The dog busted a whole fence board - I think it was a 1x6 - out, just head-butted the board over and over til it popped clean off the fence. Then the dog stuck its massive Cujo head all the way through the hole and growled and barked at us.
I called my landlord's assistant, who isn't really worth the paper he is printed on, to come help PLEASE NOW. He hemmed and hawed and said he didn't have any wood to fix the fence and I mentioned that we were trapped in the house and that Goldie could not go outside to pee, which was stressing both of us out A BIT.
He said he'd see what he could do. Knowing what both he and my landlord usually do (stall, ignore, forget, refuse to spend a dime), I was afraid Goldie would just have to go pee in the corner of the kitchen for a few days.
Then the phone rang and it was Life Alert. They had received a call from my mom's alert button, but could not get her on the phone. They had called the paramedics, who were on their way. At this point, I assumed the worst about my mom. I really did.
And I was naked, getting ready for my mid-morning shower (one of the great pleasures of working at home is that I can take a shower on my morning break). I raced around flapping my arms and tripping on things and finally got clothes on.
Then I took deep breaths and ran out, throwing dog biscuits over the fence to distract the dueling Cujos and hustled Goldie into the car before the killer dogs noticed she was outside. This was not good for my blood pressure, which was already, as you might imagine, a tad high from thinking my mother had collapsed on the floor of her home.
We were on our way to mom's when Life Alert called back. The paramedics had reported in and Mom was ok. She had gone outside without her phone and had gotten the wheelchair stuck in the lawn.
Thank goodness for her having the call button. I burst into tears at the stoplight, causing a homeless guy who was crossing the street to stare at me.
So then Goldie and I came home and I had to quickly run into the house to get biscuits to repeat the biscuit-tossing, dog-sneaking and praying the 2 Cujos didn't eat us.
The landlord's assistant and his buttcrack (his buttcrack always makes an appearance whenever he does) finally got over and fixed the fence, for now. But I just know the Cujos are out there, plotting, plotting. I can hear them thinking.