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10 Years, 2 Months, 25 Days

September 26, 2012

I knew this day was coming. Yesterday, Goldie fell at my mom’s house and could not get up on her own for about 5 minutes. She struggled, helpless, on the lawn with my mom unable to help her. I wasn’t there and mom is in a wheelchair. She called me, sobbing, saying she could not do it anymore.

I had been watching Goldie tiptoe around in pain, her legs collapsing underneath her, getting a little worse each day.

So today was the day I said goodbye. It took all day of going back and forth, changing my mind, thinking “Maybe one more month…” She would have some good moments and I’d think that I couldn’t, and then she got stuck coming up the 2 big steps into the house, and I knew I had to. Back and forth, all day, but I had made a 3 pm appointment at the Humane Society, and we ended up going for that one last ride.

I have on million words trapped inside me about my dog, all of them good. I’m sad, but I’m also glad she is free of pain, because she had been hurting for too long.
Goldie's little head

On the way home from the Humane Society, I realized how much of my heart has been caught up in her struggle. I have been feeling dead, lost, trapped – all at once.

And now, even though I have the great sadness of missing her, I’m also feeling as if I am crawling out from under a great weight.

When I got Goldie, the shelter told me she was middle-aged (they were wrong – she was much younger). I liked the idea that she could be my first dog, a kind of practice dog that I’d have for a few years and not get so terribly attached to.

I was so laughably wrong about all of that. 10 years, 2 months and 25 days later I don’t see how I could have been more terribly attached. We had a great, close, adventurous life together and I’ll always be thankful for every bit of it.

I think the most fitting epitaph is what I said to her every single day of her life: “What a GOOD girl.”

49 Comments
  1. September 28, 2012 13:59

    I hated when it was time for Hercules to go that I had – like you – no “extra” time to make the decision. It was so hard, and I wish I could have given him a few more days or weeks, but it would have been wrong and selfish to put him through that. You were the best human Goldie could have had and her trust in you was very well placed. I’m so sorry for her loss, I have always loved reading your Goldie posts and seeing her pictures. Much love and big sloppy hugs, I am sorry that you have this heartache.

  2. September 29, 2012 08:37

    I’m no good at expressing feelings but I am Goldie had you and you had her. Big hug from me too.

  3. Anonymous permalink
    October 1, 2012 15:14

    I’ve been reading your blog for a few years and dreading this day for you. I’ve watched her age in your pictures. She is the same color as our beloved Hallie who is only 7, but two years of chemotherapy combined with her torn acl has finally worn her down. I know she will be joining Goldie soon and I hope I can be as strong as you and remember that she will also no longer be hurting. My heart goes out to you. You were a wonderful companion to her.

  4. mdog permalink
    October 2, 2012 11:04

    i knew this day would be coming, but still. so sorry. hugs. :(

  5. October 3, 2012 13:04

    it’s so hard when it’s time to say goodbye. and it’s so hard to watch a friend’s precious pet age, and think, “soon.” i’m sorry for your loss. :-(

  6. October 3, 2012 13:04

    My heart goes out to you. I’ll be facing this soon, and some days I cry just thinking about it. We’re so lucky to have them while we do.

  7. October 8, 2012 07:33

    I’m so sorry Sue. Goldie was a love. You have her a terriffic life. xo

  8. October 8, 2012 07:34

    *gave You gave her a terrific life. Sheesh. I should stay away from the computer until after 9 am.

    • October 11, 2012 06:51

      We had a great time together. That dog was always up for an adventure. I got dragged more miles than I can count, and I have the bad shoulder to prove it. All totally worth it.

  9. October 11, 2012 07:01

    Sending all my best to you and Hooper.

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