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Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life with Suebob

November 26, 2016

My alternate version of the four new episodes of Gilmore Girls:

Rory returns to Stars Hollow. After Yale, she became a protegé of Christiane Amanpour and covered wars and refugees across the world. She is older, wiser, and sadder. Her career is on hold because the network wants her to take classes to get rid of her baby voice. She sues them under the Americans with Disabilities act and the case drags on.

Lorelai makes a hash of her inn because of her poor business sense, her gigantic staff and her high overhead. Michel is long gone, obviously unfit for customer service. There are rumors that he is breeding chow dogs in New Jersey with a partner named Chet.

Lorelai discovers that she can make more money renting out the inn for filming than she can running a real inn. It becomes a popular spot for direct-to-Hulu reality shows like Hound Dog: Dog Breeders Find Love and the Great Australian Baking Show, which tends to be a little Marmite-heavy, if you ask me.

All this filming in town drives Taylor insane. No one minds.

Renting out the inn gives Lorelai time for her real passion: running a conscious-eating clinic where she teaches former junk food addicts like herself to get healthy by consuming food slowly and mindfully. She loses the 50 pounds she has packed on by eating pizza and Pop Tarts every day.

Sookie, inspired by Lorelai’s newfound health, develops a line of Kombucha drinks and the first Kombucha-based cleanse, which makes her a very wealthy woman. With Jackson’s help, she expands into expensive, fresh-pressed vegetable juices. Kohlrabi-pomegranate is my favorite.

Logan calls up Rory. He is engaged to a lovely French woman, but wants to continue the friends-with-benefits relationship he had with Rory some years back.

Rory tells him “I’m a 32-year-old woman, not some 24-year-old idiot anymore. You’re a complete jerk for fooling around on your fiancee. Step off, pal.” He calls up his friends to talk about this, but they are all in rehab and not allowed to take calls for the first 30 days.

Logan runs the digital arm of his family’s media empire. He has made buckets of money by offering bloggers hi-res images in return for writing favorable blog posts for his clients. He is the only person in the history of the internet to have ever made this work.

Miss Patty has died of lung cancer, Babette of diabetes. I tried to warn them.

Emily Gilmore suffered through a brief period of mourning after Richard’s sudden death, but awoke one day with the realization that she was meant to take over his business. Without missing a step, she became a major player in the ACA private exchange market. Richard smiled down from heaven. She began a relationship with a driven, intense Chinese businessman and now splits her time between Connecticut and Shanghai. Her Chinese is flawless.

Lane left her dumbass husband and opened a music school called “The School of Stars (Hollow). She lives with Mrs. Kim, who is a part-time vocal coach at the school, devoting the rest of her time to doting on her twin grandchildren. Mr. Kim still does not exist.

Kirk has a podcast called “How to Get All the Jobs.” It is moderately popular among millennials who are wondering how to do just that.

Jess cooks at Luke’s Diner. He still reads Kerouac and Bukowski and dresses like a hobo. He dreams of glory. His notebook is filled with the start of multiple novels.

Dean’s wife Jenny runs the front of the house at Luke’s, which means Lorelai and Rory can never go there again. Weird, right? That’s life!

Dean himself is a happy stay-at-home dad. He started a blog about being a stay-at-home dad but only got 3 entries in before he got bored with it, so it sits forever parked with the last entry from April 11, 2009. He drives a very cool 68 Camaro that he restored himself on the odd occasion that he is going out without the children, because you cannot put car seats in a 68 Camaro.

No one has heard from Paris and no one cares.

Lorelai and Luke decide to get married. Well, Lorelai plans a whole wedding and then tells Luke that they are getting married. Luke wisely suggests that leaping into things without consulting other people is a continuing theme in her life and shows that she has some serious boundary issues. He agrees to marry her if she goes to therapy for at least six months first.

Rory travels to Afghanistan to work on opening a school for girls. She reconnects with a photojournalist she knew during her time there and they fall instantly and madly in love. They travel the world, telling important stories, living out of suitcases, and using all their money to fund the school. She remembers to take her birth control.

 

 

 

There are miracles here

November 19, 2016

I knew Trump had won when I heard the gunshots. I was already in bed, sleeping, trying to escape the news I was sick to think of hearing. I awoke to the sound of gunfire and a loud Harley roaring up and down Main Street over and over.

All night I had been avoiding the news. I spent hours walking the dog and playing Pokemon Go, only daring to peep at Twitter once or twice, flipping the radio on, then off five seconds later. Now here was the unwanted confirmation, loud, unavoidable.

I didn’t know what to expect. Would windows begin breaking?  Would there be a mob? I waited, unable to breathe.

That hour of sleep was the last I got that night. I spent the rest of the night locked in anxious paralysis, my mind spinning, thinking, worrying…

I tried to use my all the spiritual tools I had to calm myself. Prayer. Meditation. Affirmations. And finally the question came to me, over and over…”Who Am I?” I was desperately trying to remember my oneness.

“Who am I? Who am I?” I asked between sobs, looking for that fine silver cord that leads me, always, back to my soul, which is every soul.

Creaking with tired, I reached for my phone at about 6 a.m. I flipped through apps, avoiding getting up to face the day and our terrifying shared future.

I spotted an app with A Course in Miracles lessons. I had downloaded it but never used it. ACIM was something I studied for 9 years . My A Course in Miracles study group saved me. It made my life make sense at a time when it just wasn’t making sense, when I felt dark and lost and alone. Like now.

I randomly chose a lesson. Opened it.

Let me remember I am one with God.

Today we will again give thanks for our Identity in God. Our home is safe, protection guaranteed in all we do, power and strength available to us in all our undertakings. We can fail in nothing. Everything we touch takes on a shining light that blesses and that heals. At one with God and with the universe we go our way rejoicing, with the thought that God Himself goes everywhere with us.

…and it goes on.

Who am I? The answer I needed was right there all along, provided for me when I needed it most. God is good. Life is ugly and nasty and complicated. It is also perfect, whole and complete. Both at the same time. Walking the path while sharing all of this is our mission as humans. We are all, as Ram Dass said, just walking each other home.

Who am I? I am one with God. Onward.

A sunset over the ocean with a dark sky

 

Be the peace, or whatever the hell Gandhi says…

November 5, 2016

I went to Dances of Universal Peace in Ojai tonight with my friend Deana. The dances are simple movements, accompanied by simple songs, aimed at creating community and inner peace. The songs come from every mystical tradition.

I ran into 2 people from San Luis Obispo that I hadn’t seen for about 15 years. We had danced together up there. We had danced at the Harmonic Convergence.

It was a nice reminder that I have been on the same path for a long time, following in my perfectly imperfect way.

I often think I am doing everything wrong. I am impatient with my progress or lack thereof. It is simple meetings and sharing love like tonight that make me think I may not be so far off the mark as I think I am

Out

November 4, 2016

I am Trumped out.

I am electioned out.

I am Twittered out.

I am Facebooked out.

I am argued out.

I am idioted out.

I am lied out.

I am insulted out.

I am CNNed out.

I am out.

Dear God, I have been good. Can you make this end quickly and quietly? Please?

 

Can You Tell Me What is Troubling Me?

November 3, 2016

My new doctor is a trip. Her office is in a little old house and looks like a rococo antique shop. The furniture is not medical office at all. Every piece is ornamented and upholstered. I perched on a striped mahogany loveseat topped by a bower of carved roses. The restroom has a marble-topped table with half a dozen delicate vases of purple roses. Yes, real roses.

The good doctor herself came in wearing a black and white hat worthy of the Kentucky Derby. A tidy Chanel suit. Heels, of course, and dark red lipstick.

So not your ordinary medical office.

That may be to my advantage, though, because she was the first doctor to ever test my vitamin levels. Anemic! Who knew that 30 years of vegetarianism could leave you a little light on iron reserves? And low on B12 as well.

I have only been supplementing for 3 days, yet this was the first day in years where I haven’t taken a nap.

So keep wearing the hats and decorating all crazy, doc. You seem to know what you’re doing.

The Story of Tonight

November 2, 2016

I have been walking around the house for 20 minutes laughing and saying “The Cubs won the World Series.”

And I am going to wake up in the morning, and the Cubs will still have won the World Series. What is life?

 

Leaving Early: A Primer

November 1, 2016

Skylight with ladder leading to outdoors

I am the person who leaves early. Before the event is over. Long before other people start thinking about leaving. I get a notion. I get itchy. I get bored. I get tired. I get, as my sister would say “cooked.”

If you need to leave early, here is my expert advice

Do not telegraph your moves. Be stealthy. Take a moment to map the escape route, carefully considering everything you need to do on your way out.

  • Spring suddenly into action, alerting as few people as possible. The longer you dilly-dally, the more “Oh, don’t go!” steam can build up. Speed is key.
  • Explain very little. “I’m sorry, I have to go,” is perfect. No one can come up with a counter-argument and you are left looking like an international person of mystery. Or maybe someone with irritable bowel syndrome. Who knows?
  • Do not argue if someone tries to stop you. Keep moving swiftly and silently toward the exit. If someone asks “Why are you leaving?” just give a sad little shake of your head and say “I’m sorry.”
  • Do NOT be pulled into long goodbyes. If someone says “You must say goodbye to Uncle Kevin,” just say “Oh, please tell him goodbye for me. He’ll understand.”

That’s it. Swift, silent, mysterious. It may seem hard and awkward at first, but believe me, in 5 minutes, they will have forgotten you left, and you’ll be breathing free air. Good luck.

Adventures in Dogwalking, Part 253

October 11, 2016

Abbie and I often have a big disagreement about her going out in the middle of the night. I have to get up to let her out – there is no dog door.

I know what it is like to have a tiny bladder, so if she wants to go out, I consider it carefully.

If she gets to the door and starts wagging madly, she has to stay in. This is because the mad wagging is a sign she is going outside to bark at cats or possums or what-have-you.

Last night I awoke at 4 a.m. She wanted to go out.

I started thinking – I had done errands for most of the evening, and then when I came home, she didn’t go out. But the air smelled strongly of skunk. I didn’t want to let her out to get sprayed.

So damn it. I put on my boots, got the leash, and took her out front.

I paced with her up and down the driveway, her happily inspecting every bush but NOT GOING.

I was chanting “GO GO GO” under my breath.

It was at this point that we popped around the front hedge, only to confront Abbie’s sworn nemeses, two Great Pyrenees dogs and their elderly owner.

Abbie lost her mind and started barking like she was going to kill all of them, which is probably the very reason they were out walking at 4 a.m. – to avoid maniacs like us.

Too bad, lady. The maniacs are out at all hours.

Animal Liberation Now

September 3, 2016

The shaggy guy at the organic booth this morning had an “Animal Liberation Now” shirt on. It didn’t surprise me. He’s the white guy with dreadlocks who holds forth about the wonders of kombucha and Bob Marley.

I always wanted Goldie to sit on my lap. I didn’t care that she was a 60-pound, long-legged greyhound mix. I thought it would be cool to snuggle her that way. But she wasn’t having it. She wouldn’t sit on me or sleep with me. She was a leaner, though, and spent thousands of hours pressing her spine to my legs as she sat next to me.

Abbie Lynn is a 60-pound, stocky-bodied something mix. And she is a lap dog. She is not only a lap dog, she is an insistent, won’t-take-no-for-an-answer lapdog. This morning, she tried to get up while I had a computer on my lap.

“NO NO NO,” I said, pushing on her chest.

She leapt over the arm of the chair anyway. Lap. Dog.

A computer is barely visible over the head of a white dog sitting in my lap.

The view from my lap

It’s funny because mostly she completely ignores me, but when she wants the lap, the lap she will have.

I think I need Animal Liberation, too. Somebody, come liberate me. I’m being oppressed!

Learning to Love the Inside of Me

September 2, 2016

Well, it finally happened. I only delayed it for five years, but I did it.

The dreaded colonoscopy.

DO NOT WORRY. WE WILL NOT DISCUSS POOP IN THIS POST. Do you not know me by now? Yeesh.

A good friend got a colon cancer diagnosis the first time she got a colonoscopy, at age 50. Even then, I put it off another few years.

Here’s the embarrassing part: I just didn’t want to bug someone to give me a ride home. I hate to ask favors like that.

At work, we talk about barriers to health care all the time. It’s pretty ridiculous that my barrier was stubborn independence.

I got the paperwork a couple times. Every time, there it was. YOU MUST HAVE TRANSPORTATION. Every time, I whiffed. I just never scheduled it.

Guess what? This time, I scheduled it and still did not have transportation. Yeah, I have friends. They all have jobs.

I talked to my friends and they said they could have driven themselves home, easily, even after the sedation. I didn’t want to take chances on that because I am the most sensitive person to each and every chemical thing on earth. If anyone were voted Most Likely to Act Like David After the Dentist, it would be me.

I planned to Uber it home, but I also knew they wouldn’t like that plan. So I told CC I was going to tell them she was my ride, and if they called her, for her not to come get me. I told her if it was an emergency, I would call her and then could she please pick me up?

I wrote down what I thought was CC’s work number and told the nurse that yes, indeedy, my friend was picking me up. My friends, I lied.

I also asked the doc not to sedate me much, so I got to watch the whole procedure. Hey, there’s my guts! In some places, people pay to have stuff put up their butts. I figured I might as well enjoy the show while I was there.

I got compliments on my colon prep. That’s a first. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you can’t achieve new highs after age 50.

When I got done, the nurse said “I tried to call your friend, but it says the number has been changed.” I told her I would get an Uber.

“Oh, no, you can’t do that!” she said. “You never know who will pick you up!”

I have Ubered all over the place, and I feel pretty comfortable Ubering in my own town.

I told her, “I will dig up my friend’s cell number.” Then I went in the bathroom and requested an Uber.

I lurked near the back door, checking my phone until the app showed the Uber guy was 1 minute away. I glanced around and made a break for it!

I spotted the Red Jetta just as he pulled up. I jumped in! No colonoscopy center could contain me!

Some people run from bank robberies. Other people run to catch trains in romantic movies. Me? I just run from nurses wielding clipboards. I hope they don’t remember me when I go back in 2026.

 

 

 

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