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Shepherds, Why This Jubilee?

December 19, 2010


The True Story of the 12th Day of Christmas

January 6, the year 1
A stable in Bethlehem

Mary: Hey Joey, what’s that noise?
Joseph: There are a bunch of people outside. I know this sounds weird, but it looks like some of them are shepherds.
Mary: Shepherds? What the….? Oh no. Oh nuh UH they don’t.
Joseph: No they don”t what?
Mary: They probably want their stable back. They are not getting this stable. I’ve fixed it up more in the past 12 days than they have in 10 years. I’ll bet they were the ones who put in that horrible fake Pergo floor. No siree, mister. And why are they quaking? That just freaks me out.
Joseph: And there are old dudes who say they are kings out there, too. They said they are here to venerate the baby.
Mary: They are not touching my baby.
Joseph: They want to venerate. Venerate. You know, like worship.
Mary: Why don’t they use normal words, then? Don’t they know I’m an illiterate virgin girl?
Joseph: You are the Holy mother of God.
Mary: That’s sweet of you to say, hon, and true, at least according to that freaky angel, but they should learn to talk right.
Joseph: They also said they bring gladsome tidings.
Mary: Gladsome is SO not a word. Now I KNOW they’re making things up. I may be illiterate, but I’m not stupid. Tell them to shove off. I’m not showing off my kid to them just because they stop by with their pretentious word-making-up selves after we’ve been sitting around this stupid stable for two weeks.
Joseph: Well, they DID bring gifts.
Mary: Oh, this I can’t wait to hear. Bring it.
Joseph: Frankincense and myrrh.
Mary: Frankincense and myrrh? FRANKincense and MYRRH? Great! Pollute my tiny boy’s perfect little lungs. Why doesn’t one of them just start smoking a rubber cigar and make it an unholy air quality trifecta?
Joseph: Also they brought some silver and gold.
Mary: A child, a child, shivers in the cold…could they bring a blanket at least? I’ll bet thinking of diapers was beyond them, too. Men, I swear.
Joseph: So you’re saying I shouldn’t let them in? Um, there’s also a little kid out there.
Mary:What’s his story?
Joseph: He has a drum he wants to play for the baby.
Mary:A drum? Oh brilliant. He’s a real child care expert, isn’t he? Yeah, have him crank some Trans-Siberian Orchestra on the boom box while he’s at it. Come in here, shut that door, and close those curtains. That big shiny star is going to wake the baby.

Photo by Nic Walker. Used under a Creative Commons license.

  1. December 20, 2010 06:24

    You are awesome!

    • December 20, 2010 06:35

      Well. thank you! You are pretty awesome, too!

  2. December 20, 2010 08:06

    your are disgusting andsick1! he is the son of GOD you should see a doctor!!!!!!!!!

    (I just wanted the jump on things before you go viral. Happy Holidays, Everyone!)

  3. December 20, 2010 11:43

    Hilarious! I love it.

  4. December 20, 2010 15:18

    Love this. Poor illiterate, sleep-deprived Mary.

    • December 20, 2010 15:30

      A DRUM! The little kid brought a DRUM!!!

  5. December 20, 2010 18:29

    Next thing you know, he’ll let the baby play with the drum.
    I think I’ll read this exchange at the in-laws Christmas. After Mass, of course.
    (And your sad puppy on Twitter led me over here, btw)

  6. mayberry permalink
    December 21, 2010 21:07

    This rocks, because I love a sassy Mary.

    • December 21, 2010 21:24

      I’m sure she had to be sassy!

  7. December 26, 2010 07:16

    love it!

  8. December 26, 2010 21:21

    lol – i’ve wondered about that. would blankets and a space heater been THAT hard? seriously, people.

    • December 28, 2010 06:40

      I just can’t imagine the moneychangers were open when the wise men showed up, so that poor kid was probably still shivering. There are some holes in that story. He got silver and gold and frankincese and myrrh, but his family was STILL poor? I think some things got lost in translation or in the retelling.

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