Shepherds, Why This Jubilee?
The True Story of the 12th Day of Christmas
January 6, the year 1
A stable in Bethlehem
Mary: Hey Joey, what’s that noise?
Joseph: There are a bunch of people outside. I know this sounds weird, but it looks like some of them are shepherds.
Mary: Shepherds? What the….? Oh no. Oh nuh UH they don’t.
Joseph: No they don”t what?
Mary: They probably want their stable back. They are not getting this stable. I’ve fixed it up more in the past 12 days than they have in 10 years. I’ll bet they were the ones who put in that horrible fake Pergo floor. No siree, mister. And why are they quaking? That just freaks me out.
Joseph: And there are old dudes who say they are kings out there, too. They said they are here to venerate the baby.
Mary: They are not touching my baby.
Joseph: They want to venerate. Venerate. You know, like worship.
Mary: Why don’t they use normal words, then? Don’t they know I’m an illiterate virgin girl?
Joseph: You are the Holy mother of God.
Mary: That’s sweet of you to say, hon, and true, at least according to that freaky angel, but they should learn to talk right.
Joseph: They also said they bring gladsome tidings.
Mary: Gladsome is SO not a word. Now I KNOW they’re making things up. I may be illiterate, but I’m not stupid. Tell them to shove off. I’m not showing off my kid to them just because they stop by with their pretentious word-making-up selves after we’ve been sitting around this stupid stable for two weeks.
Joseph: Well, they DID bring gifts.
Mary: Oh, this I can’t wait to hear. Bring it.
Joseph: Frankincense and myrrh.
Mary: Frankincense and myrrh? FRANKincense and MYRRH? Great! Pollute my tiny boy’s perfect little lungs. Why doesn’t one of them just start smoking a rubber cigar and make it an unholy air quality trifecta?
Joseph: Also they brought some silver and gold.
Mary: A child, a child, shivers in the cold…could they bring a blanket at least? I’ll bet thinking of diapers was beyond them, too. Men, I swear.
Joseph: So you’re saying I shouldn’t let them in? Um, there’s also a little kid out there.
Mary:What’s his story?
Joseph: He has a drum he wants to play for the baby.
Mary:A drum? Oh brilliant. He’s a real child care expert, isn’t he? Yeah, have him crank some Trans-Siberian Orchestra on the boom box while he’s at it. Come in here, shut that door, and close those curtains. That big shiny star is going to wake the baby.
Photo by Nic Walker. Used under a Creative Commons license.