Welcome to Suebob Air. Please remove your pants.

I love this Gawker article about the rules on the Abercrombie and Fitch CEO’s private jet. Models wearing flip-flops and popped collars. Coordinated sunglasses. Dog seating charts. AWESOME.

There’s just something so delicious about peeking behind the scenes at the craziness of the rich, isn’t there? I mean, we all have our little house rules, but somehow “put the towels on the shelf with the folded part out” just doesn’t have the same giggle-inducing power of imagining a flight staff made up of sullen models with their fourth button unbuttoned. Or is it buttoned? I can never keep track. This is why I don’t have my own private jet.

Oh, but if I did, I would have a few rules, you betcha I would. Let’s get started, shall we?

1. Flight attendants shall be off-duty firefighters. I know sometimes off-duty firefighters get called into work to save lives, and working my airline will make that impossible, but let’s keep our priorities straight about what is really important, shall we?

2. The pilots can be pilots. That works out nicely, don’t you think?

3. Flight attendants shall wear cycling jerseys. The cutest one gets the yellow Tour de France jersey. They can wear jeans on the bottom, though. They don’t have to wear cycling shorts. There’s something about coming eye-level with a fireman’s package in neon-colored spandex shorts as I sit in my cashmere-lined airplane seat that would put me off my Sumatran single-estate coffee.

4. But if they wear jeans, I wouldn’t be able to see their shaved legs. Shaved legs? On guys? Yep. It goes with the cycling jersey lust. It’s an addiction, people. I may have to rethink this jeans thing. THIS IS WHAT MAKES MY JOB RUNNING THIS AIRLINE SO DIFFICULT.

5. The flight attendants do not have to wear expensive cologne, but if they could find some of that original Speed Stick Deodorant for Men from BEFORE they screwed up the fragrance, that would take me to my Happy Place.

6. You don’t have to fold my toilet paper into points or fans or anything. Life is too damned short for people to be sitting around folding toilet paper on my behalf and besides, it squeems me out to think of people fondling the ends of my toilet rolls.

7. The dog sits where the dog wants. Period. At least that’s how it has always worked at my house, so I assume it will be that way on my airplane. (Remind me to put getting a small, neurotic dog with fussy fur on my to-do list).

8. Unlike Ambercrombie Air, anyone playing Phil Collins over the PA will be thrown out, no matter the altitude.

9. You may use the phrases “sure” or “just a minute,” but anyone saying “orientated” or “utilize” will be sent to the Naughty Chair.

10. You may not request that my seat be in the upright position before takeoff and landing. I will remove my seatbelt while taxiing. And I will stand by the restroom door any time I damned well please.