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February 15, 2013

There’s a reason I never leave the house. Or why I should never leave the house. And yet, sometimes I do.

My friend Missy invited me to a party she was having on Valentines night. Missy is a great organizer of people and things, and she had gathered a huge throng of people for a night out – drinks, food, dancing – and I, for some stupid reason, and forgetting I hate people, thought it might be fun.

Ok, yeah, it was advertised as a singles thing. But I thought that I could just go meet some nice people, not try to hook up. The last thing I want is a date. That’s a lie. The last thing I want is a colonoscopy. But I’m really not looking to date, either.

Which explains why, shortly after I arrived and got a gin and tonic in my sweaty little paw, I was chatting up a nice lady named Ann, not checking the room for age-appropriate guys.

It turns out Ann and I studied at the same college. The same subject. At the same time. Cue the music from “It’s A Small, Small World,” right?

Ann and I were triangulating our trajectories through our department, madly trying to remember instructors and classes when we were approached by an older man named, from what his stick-on name-tag said, Jerry.

“Hey there,” Jerry said, interrupting.

Being polite people of the lady-type persuasion, we all introduced ourselves. Ann said, by way of making conversation, “We just found out we both went to the same college at the same time, Cal Poly San Luis Obispo.”

Let me mention here that Cal Poly is only a couple hours away and is a well-regarded state school.

“What did you study?” Jerry asked.

“Horticulture,” I said.

“So, heh heh, are you WHORES?” said Jerry. “That’s what HORticulture is about, right?”

I jerked my chin away and regarded a spot on the ground to my right, gritting my teeth.

“Ya know you really gotta get a sense of humor, Sue,” said Jerry. Ann had wisely bumped into a friend and was disappearing into the distance.

“Is that right?” I snapped.

“Yah, lighten up, have some fun,” he went on. “Or start drinking more.”

“I’m afraid of that,” I said.

“Afraid? Why afraid? A little booze won’t hurtcha.”

“I’m afraid there isn’t enough alcohol here to give me that kind of a sense of humor.”

And with that, I had to go see where the ladies room was. Goodnight, Ventura.

  1. February 15, 2013 19:48

    Wow, Jerry.

  2. Gretchen permalink
    February 16, 2013 05:25

    There’s a good reason Jerry’s single.

  3. Anonymous permalink
    February 16, 2013 09:40

    And he still can’t figure out why he’s alone.

  4. deptofnance permalink
    February 16, 2013 11:10

    Jerry needs to work on his opener.

  5. February 16, 2013 11:14

    I bet he had a mushy gut, but strutted like it was a six-pack.

  6. Missy permalink
    February 18, 2013 08:10

    Oh holy shit – I just read this and about fell out of my chair. I am totally – I don’t even know what. I will get back to you. I am sorry and wish you had told me that night so I could have dealt with it then.

    Missy Chamberlain Your Personal Premier Designs Jewelry Lady (805)258-9253


    Organizer -VENTURA SINGLES ROCK – Check out our awesome Singles 40+ meetup group!


  7. February 19, 2013 13:04

    So….Jerry’s single right?
    I hid on Valentine’s Day.

  8. February 19, 2013 21:40

    He must have made a typo…I’m sure his name tag was really meant to say,

    “Hi, I’m Jerky”

  9. February 20, 2013 05:52

    Frankly, Jerry needs to get a sense of humor.

  10. February 22, 2013 12:39

    Jerry would make a nice addition to the Neanderthal exhibit in the museum of Urban Anthropology. Holy cow.

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