Change of Heart

A friend told me that she had recently been at an event where there was a presentation on diversity. She was scratching her head because the characters in the little play were all different ethnicities…and all portrayed by white people doing accents.

“It’s like they want to approve of diversity without actually doing anything about it,” I said.

The whole conversation led me to think about the places in my life where I want something without actually wanting to change, those stuck places where it is harder to get unstuck than it seems at first.

Like I’m still a fat girl in a less-fat body. I still want to eat whatever I want without having consequences. I still eat too much, sneakily, even though there is no one to hide from. The other day I realized that I eat about 500 calories a day in the car, because somehow it doesn’t count as eating if I am not in an eating spot, but on the road.

And even though I quit drinking, I still haven’t quit being an escapist. Now I just numb out playing games or noodling endlessly on the computer instead of having a glass of wine or three. I have the health benefits of not drinking alcohol, but my brain is just as occupied with stupidity as it ever was.

Sure, I have done some work. I have excavated some bad habits and have left some of the actions behind. But there are parts of my life where I’m standing on stage doing a fake-ass Chinese accent, instead of asking a real Chinese woman to tell her truth.

Onward.