The first cut isn’t always the deepest

When I had to move earlier this year, I had an opportunity to buy an ideal place up north, where I used to live. I was SO ready and excited. It seemed perfect.

Then in church one Sunday, the announcement came that our dear music director, Todd, was moving to Boston. Everyone gasped and moaned a little. I started to cry, and not a little. I started to cry a lot. After a few minutes, I thought “Maybe this isn’t just about Todd. Maybe this is about you not wanting to leave this church and these people.” I knew then that I had to stay.

I spent last night crying about the suicide of one of our blogging community’s most beautiful members, Anastasia Campbell, Stacy. I didn’t know her well personally, though we followed each other on every platform, seemingly, and often liked and commented on each other’s work. It was the online version of casual friendship.

To tell you the truth, I was intimidated by her. Her physical beauty was just otherworldly. Her talent, both in writing and photography, was considerable. And sometimes I lost track of her because she was a frequent name-changer and shape-shifter online.

Still, her death was like sticking my arm into ice water and keeping it there. Stinging. Painful. Aching.

As with Todd, I realized it wasn’t just about losing her. It was about all those other losses and all that other helplessness over the events that tumble and blast through our lives. I’m old enough now to know too many people who have taken their own lives or who have died far too young.

One of the strangest parts about growing older is knowing so many dead people. It’s peculiar that I have to keep learning the lesson over and over that they’re not coming back, too. Just when I finally know they’re permanently dead, I slip up and again find myself thinking “I can’t wait to show this to them…oh….”

It’s a sad and beautiful world. Sometimes we can’t do anything that will help someone. I think that was the case with Stacy. Sometimes we can, and sometimes people do, which is why I still walk the earth. Help one another. Be kind. Love animals. Do it for Stacy.

Goodnight, Stacy, beautiful soul. I hope it is better for you where you are. You deserve a world made for you.