Travel Advisory

I talked to my ex-BF, Mr. Mojo this afternoon. He spent some rather epic time in Central America, doing Things That Cannot Be Spoken Of. I told him I was going to visit and had seen the travel nurse and was all freaked out.

Mojo: Well, that’s weird. Because it isn’t normally like you to worry.
Suebob: Right. I never spend a moment having anxiety, especially about long trips.
(Here we have a hearty guffaw because he knows I am a neurotic freak and he is serving up this conversation with a big steaming side of sarcasm. Please note: he’s not the most calm and collected person when it comes to travel, either. Ahem).
Suebob: But at least I have the Hep A and Typhoid shots, and I’m covered for malaria.
Mojo: You don’t need any of that stuff. Just get some grapefruit seed extract.
Suebob: What will that do?
Mojo: It will keep you from getting anything. It works great. You put it in your water, sprinkle it on your food and you won’t get dengue, you won’t get cholera. I have to warn you though, it’s as bitter as gall, and it makes the stuff that comes out your ass look like squid ink.
Suebob: Oh, yeah, that sounds great. Thanks for telling me.
Mojo: I should have known that would freak you out.
Suebob: I’m just thinking of all the possible complications…I’m staying at some nice little guest house and there’s some…um…fecal incident and the owners are all whispering “Ay! Mira! La pobrecita Norteamericana tiene una gran problema con la mierda.”
Mojo: So what countries are you going to?
Suebob: Costa Rica.
Mojo: Shit. Costa Rica is for amateurs. What are you worried about? It’s like the kindergarten of Central America. Call me when you decide to do El Salvador and Nicaragua on foot.

Ah, I love having friends like these to ease my travel fears.