FEEL BETTER, BRUCE!
(The title of this post has nothing to do with the post. I just want my friend Bruce, who is under the weather, to feel better).
My annual gynie exam was today. If I wanted to see the doc, I had to wait until June (BEST HEALTH CARE SYSTEM IN THE WORLD, people, don’t you forget it), so I chose to see her physician’s assistant, Patty, instead. No problem, right? She’s perfectly qualified.
I’m sitting there with my pants off, faded mauve lap towel covering my lady parts, having the discussion about Taking Better Care of Your Health. I didn’t mind – I saw Patty last year and she had used the opportunity to talk me into taking more calcium, so I was wondering what good advice she would have for me this time.
“Have you thought about making any changes in your lifestyle?” she asked so gently, gazing at my partially naked 200+ pound frame.
I told her about how I had changed my sleep habits, cut back on drinking, and how I was seeing a nutritionist who was nagging me to eat more vegetables and protein and whole grains and less of everything else.
“So how is the weight loss going with the nutritionist?” she asked.
“I’m not seeing the nutritionist for weight loss,” I said.
“So, you’re…” she was at a loss for words. Why would a fat woman be seeing a nutritionist if not to lose weight? (The real answer is: because her BFF dragged her to this class at church).
“Hey, I’m not saying I wouldn’t like to lose weight,” I said. “I’m just not going on a diet.”
WHAT? What kind of woman isn’t going on a diet?
“Because I’ve been there and done that, and if I want to lose weight, I have to obsess every single minute every single day about food and I just don’t have the energy to do it any more,” I said.
Little did I know, I was falling right into her trap.
“How would you like to hear about a program that uses a health coach to help you lose weight in a safe and easy way?” she asked.
Who could say no to that?
“Sure,” I said.
Note to self: UR FUKED.
The physician’s assistant at my doctor’s office sells a multi-level marketing weight loss scheme of meal replacements and wanted to tell me about them. The health coach WAS HER.
Kill me now. She has my phone number. She has my medical records. She knows I want to lose weight. And she is a multi-level marketer of a SIMPLE! and EASY! program that is guaranteed to work for the low, low cost of I Don’t Want to Know.
This is so wrong, isn’t it? It isn’t right to pitch people for your get-rich quick scheme when you’re in a position to stick your gloved finger up their hoo-ha (and then their other hoo-ha right after that). That just ain’t right.
So now here are the possibilities as I see them:
1. I join her weight loss thing. It costs me a couple thousand dollars, but I lose the weight and keep it off. Everyone is happy. (Chance of happening: less than 1%).
2. I join her weight loss thing. It costs me a couple thousand dollars, and I lose the weight and but I can’t keep it off. She’s happy for the money but unhappy I’m making her look bad. I’m unhappy I spent all the money and unhappy I’m fat again. (Chance of happening: about 10%).
3. I don’t join her weight loss thing. She’s mad that I can’t see a good thing right in front of my face but I lose the weight another way and she is humbled at my next annual exam. (Chance of happening: less than 5%).
4. I don’t join her weight loss thing. She’s mad that I can’t see a good thing right in front of my face and I don’t lose the weight and I’m so embarrassed I have to find another gynie doc even though I loved that one and have been going to her for 10 years. (Chance of happening: about 85%).
Which do you think will really happen?
1906 Postcard Photo from Postaletrice. Used under a Creative Commons License.