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Advice on Where to Meet Women Other Than in Bars or By Crushing Your Soul With OK Cupid

August 22, 2012

Bikini bar
The now thankfully defunct Bikini Bar

Part One of a Series: ZUMBA class NO, do NOT turn away!

I know what you’re thinking, and I’ll assuage your fears. Zumba classes are 99.5 percent women flinging themselves around to high-intensity Latin dance music, sweating like crazy. How are you going to fit in here? Well, let me handle your objections.

1. I’ll look dorky
Of course you will, dear. That’s how we’ll know you’re not gay. The one gay guy in the class can always dance like Ricky Martín. We find you adorable in your dorkiness.

2. The gay guy will try to pick up on me
Don’t be ridiculous. You look like a dork.

3. The women will all be fat and/or married
In about the same proportion as the general public.

4. I won’t be able to do it
Yeah, you will. If you try to keep up, you’ll probably be a sweaty mess, but so will everyone else.

5. It’s the dorkiest, gayest thing ever
Yes, maybe. But do you want to ever hook up with a woman, or not? If you want the chance of having sex this decade, you had better put down that joystick (euphemistic or not) and go out in the world

6. My friends will laugh at me
Do not tell your friends until you start being seen around town with Brianna, the girl you took out for frozen yogurt after class and who has a Zumba body, including hips that do not lie. Then they’ll want to know where the classes are held.

7. I have bad knees
Wait for my next posts on where to meet women. I have some other ideas that don’t involve shaking your butt like Shakira after a large frappucino.

  1. August 22, 2012 14:40

    This is excellent advice!

  2. August 22, 2012 14:49

    But how do I meet men without crushing my soul on OK Cupid?

  3. Stefanie permalink
    August 22, 2012 14:53

    This is brilliant. Now I need a companion series for where to meet men without OKCupid.

    • August 22, 2012 21:47

      If I knew, would I be sitting here eating crackers and blogging by myself?

  4. August 22, 2012 19:07

    Right on. Having worked at a gym for almost eight years, I’ve seen that one brilliant, straight guy getting down in a Zumba class and smiled knowingly. That dude knows the score. Unfortunately, most men would rather stupidly blow their money at a strip club watching some drugged-out and jaded stripper gyrate, with no possibility of a hook-up (except my friend T-Bone who has had freakish luck in those places) than dance with real women. Trust me, gentlemen, dancing along to a Zumba workout is not 1/100th as pathetic and dorky as sitting there paying eight dollars for a finger-sized soda and gawking at a woman that would ruin your world in a heartbeat. And Ladies, you should reward those guys intrepid enough to venture into a Zumba class by throwing your hot, Latin-syncopated selves at them. They are willing to go the extra mile. Oh, remind me why hitting on fat or married women is wrong. I forget.

    • August 22, 2012 21:48

      Validation from someone who knows! This is my favorite comment, ever. Feel free with the fat women. The married women – well, the hubs might be armed, that’s why.

  5. ktphop permalink
    August 22, 2012 21:59

    But the fat and/or married women love it. Trust me.

  6. August 23, 2012 07:51

    I love you and your brain.

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