In Suebob’s World
Hello and welcome to a new episode of If I Ran Things, They Would be Different. Feel free to play along in the comments section.
If I Ran Things:
1. Fitted sheets would all have a tag in the middle of the bottom edge that said “BOTTOM MIDDLE” in my world. I mostly buy vertically-striped sheets because I’m sick of trying to figure out which direction they go.
2. In my world, all clothing stores would have the clothing size on the hangers, so you’d never have to fish down inside a bunch of clothes to find the little teeny tiny size tag that is there with all kinds of other pointless tags and extra buttons (and pieces of sweater string that make me think “Are you kidding me? You think I know how to repair a sweater with a piece of string and that I will be able to find said piece of string when my sweater does come unravelled?”)
3. Sleeves for clothing above size 10 would NEVER be cap sleeves. And in my world, the person who invented cap sleeves would be punished by being shown an endlessly rotating slide set of the widest part of my upper arms accentuated by cap sleeves while the too-short armhole creeps up into my underarm fat. I predict they’d last about 13 minutes before going ’round the bend.
4. Carry-on luggage. If you can’t carry it, it is not carry-on. If it needs wheels, it is not carry-on. If it is so heavy that you clock another passenger in the head while trying to stand on tiptoes to stow it, you are banned from flying forever in my world.
5. In my world, people say “You’re welcome.” Not “No problem,” not “No worries,” not “Ok.” It’s not that difficult.
6. When someone holds open a door for you, acknowledge them. A nod, a “Thank you,” a smile. It all goes a long way. Do NOT breeze through while avoiding their eyes. In my world, people would have the right to yank your earbuds out by the wires just to have a word with you about that.
7. Turn signals. Enough said. I don’t know what the punishment in my world would be for failure to use turn signals, but it would be swift, significant, and painful. Maybe something like having to listen to Stevie Nicks sing “Silent Night” on repeat. Just twice or three times – I’m not a MONSTER.
8. A word to my gym: two bottles of sanitizer on a 6,000 square foot weight floor is not enough. In my world, every machine would have sanitizer and a roll of paper towels and a waste bucket. Have you SEEN some of these people? These are people you don’t want to share swamp-ass sweat with.
9. In my world, people would understand how science works.
10. And last but not least, if I ran things, every news site would have a moderated comments section where morons who aren’t doing anything but being stupid, mean, inflammatory or racist would be deleted immediately. Look, it’s time. It really is.
What would YOUR world be like?