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In Suebob’s World

August 23, 2012

Southwest 737
Put your small, reasonable, lightweight carry-on items here. All other luggage should be checked. Thank you.

Hello and welcome to a new episode of If I Ran Things, They Would be Different. Feel free to play along in the comments section.

If I Ran Things:
1. Fitted sheets would all have a tag in the middle of the bottom edge that said “BOTTOM MIDDLE” in my world. I mostly buy vertically-striped sheets because I’m sick of trying to figure out which direction they go.

2. In my world, all clothing stores would have the clothing size on the hangers, so you’d never have to fish down inside a bunch of clothes to find the little teeny tiny size tag that is there with all kinds of other pointless tags and extra buttons (and pieces of sweater string that make me think “Are you kidding me? You think I know how to repair a sweater with a piece of string and that I will be able to find said piece of string when my sweater does come unravelled?”)

3. Sleeves for clothing above size 10 would NEVER be cap sleeves. And in my world, the person who invented cap sleeves would be punished by being shown an endlessly rotating slide set of the widest part of my upper arms accentuated by cap sleeves while the too-short armhole creeps up into my underarm fat. I predict they’d last about 13 minutes before going ’round the bend.

4. Carry-on luggage. If you can’t carry it, it is not carry-on. If it needs wheels, it is not carry-on. If it is so heavy that you clock another passenger in the head while trying to stand on tiptoes to stow it, you are banned from flying forever in my world.

5. In my world, people say “You’re welcome.” Not “No problem,” not “No worries,” not “Ok.” It’s not that difficult.

6. When someone holds open a door for you, acknowledge them. A nod, a “Thank you,” a smile. It all goes a long way. Do NOT breeze through while avoiding their eyes. In my world, people would have the right to yank your earbuds out by the wires just to have a word with you about that.

7. Turn signals. Enough said. I don’t know what the punishment in my world would be for failure to use turn signals, but it would be swift, significant, and painful. Maybe something like having to listen to Stevie Nicks sing “Silent Night” on repeat. Just twice or three times – I’m not a MONSTER.

8. A word to my gym: two bottles of sanitizer on a 6,000 square foot weight floor is not enough. In my world, every machine would have sanitizer and a roll of paper towels and a waste bucket. Have you SEEN some of these people? These are people you don’t want to share swamp-ass sweat with.

9. In my world, people would understand how science works.

10. And last but not least, if I ran things, every news site would have a moderated comments section where morons who aren’t doing anything but being stupid, mean, inflammatory or racist would be deleted immediately. Look, it’s time. It really is.

What would YOUR world be like?

  1. August 23, 2012 14:57

    How about we decide if laundry tags go at the neckline or somewhere around the waist? So many of my wife’s clothes have tags in both places…WHY?

    • wbgookin permalink
      August 23, 2012 14:58

      I suppose I should have said shirts. I’m fine with pants having the tags at the waist. 😉

    • August 23, 2012 19:25

      I like the ones where it is just printed on the fabric. It’s not like I’m going to read the laundry instructions anyway.

  2. August 23, 2012 15:10

    I like your world.

  3. Gretchen permalink
    August 23, 2012 19:09

    Way too much stupid in my world today to even begin. But I especially like #9 on your list.

  4. Donna permalink
    August 23, 2012 19:44

    Man, I hate ‘no problem’. And fitted sheets are not my friends. Great list.

    • August 25, 2012 20:56

      Thank you! I mean “You’re welcome.” I mean…

  5. Rachel permalink
    August 23, 2012 19:58

    Love it. Mostly. I’m weird about accepting thank yous.

  6. rotarykat permalink
    August 23, 2012 22:15

    Delete all the morons, yes! Could we also make a low-dose taser to use on people who just…stop? In aisles, doorways, sidewalks, oblivious to all around them. Zzzap.

    • August 25, 2012 20:55

      I always feel bad when I AM that person, peering cluelessly around while the line piles up behind me…but I try not to be, honest.

    • Letseat permalink
      September 20, 2012 15:11

      Ooh, I second this one!

  7. August 24, 2012 12:14

    I vote for Suebob!!

    • August 25, 2012 20:54

      No, please don’t. Unless you are voting for me to be the winner of a metabolic rate high enough so I can eat whatever I want and not gain weight.

  8. August 25, 2012 07:54

    I actually think the unmoderated comments sections are a good gauge of where we are as a society. It’s interesting to see someone who is otherwise being stupid, mean, inflammatory and racist also say that they think Todd Akin is a moron. It’s like baby steps, except less heartwarming.

    • August 25, 2012 20:53

      I’m glad you can see it that way. Because it makes me want to hide behind the couch.

  9. August 25, 2012 19:14

    As a scientist, I really want number 9 to be a reality. You have know idea. Also, people here don’t use the middle turn lane. When making a left turn, they stop in the regular traffic lane and then turn. In my world, this wouldn’t happen.

    • August 25, 2012 20:52

      I have no idea how science works. I’m still trying to figure out how the first Olympic games were 3000 years ago when the calendar only goes to 2012.

      • mar permalink
        August 26, 2012 07:53

        *snort* *choke*

  10. September 5, 2012 22:47

    I loved this post. Especially the parts about saying “thank you” and not using turn signals. Drives me crazy when people don’t do either.

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