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Do Not Let Her Near the Children

October 1, 2013

I’m not only not a parent, I’m a terrible aunt, too. No, I’m not being falsely humble. I’ve never been involved in my nieces’ and nephews’ lives much. That doesn’t stop me from playing the aunt card, though. When people bug me about not having kids, I say “I have 8 nieces and nephews and 18 great-nieces and nephews.” That shuts them up because they’re stunned by the sheer numbers.

But yeah. If you want someone to babysit or remember birthdays, I’m probably not your person. The last child I watched was a toddler who got within 6 inches of the top of a flight of stairs while I went to check on something in the kitchen. Thank God for an alert houseguest who snatched the babe from certain death.

The other day took the cake, though. When we were moving mom to her new place, I gave my nephew and his 2 girls, ages 12 and 8, a ride back to their car.

I put the radio on Radio Disney, because of course – kids love that stuff, right? Wrong!

The older girl objected, saying that it wasn’t a good station, she didn’t like the songs. I was pushing radio buttons and got to the Electronic Area station on Sirius XM, which she, oddly, loved, so I left the song on for her.

You know how electronic dance songs are. 20 minutes long, no lyrics, same thing over and over til you want to run away sobbing. Or is that just me?

ANYWAY, the song I left on did have one line of lyrics. One line, but that one brief moment was quite enough to push me out of the Aunt of the Year competition, disqualified immediately, no return of my entry fees, get out, there’s the door.

Even more impressive, the ONE lyric line in the song has just two words. One of those words is safe for children. The other? Is not.

Those words? “Riverside, MotherF***er.”

I have a skill.

  1. jessicawgottlieb permalink
    October 1, 2013 13:20

    sounds like a pretty good aunt to me.

    Last week Alexander hopped in the car, I turned it on and Howard Stern announced the prettiest penis contest before I had a chance to turn the volume off. If you didn’t crash the car you did good. That’s all.

  2. October 1, 2013 13:33

    It’s kind of a toss-up between worst and best, depending on who’s doing the judging.

  3. kizzbeth permalink
    October 2, 2013 07:29

    As of now I’m pretty sure you’re that kid’s favorite aunt.

  4. October 2, 2013 10:48

    I listened to Swamp Buggy Bad Ass with my 15 yr old kid and his friends in the car. I still hope they didn’t tell their parents.

  5. October 7, 2013 08:37

    I see my job of Aunt as sort of a life experience teacher. Life experiences sometimes include swear words. You know they went to school the next day and said things like “our Aunt Suebob is so cool, she let us listen to this.” You’re an awesome aunt.

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