Do Not Let Her Near the Children
I’m not only not a parent, I’m a terrible aunt, too. No, I’m not being falsely humble. I’ve never been involved in my nieces’ and nephews’ lives much. That doesn’t stop me from playing the aunt card, though. When people bug me about not having kids, I say “I have 8 nieces and nephews and 18 great-nieces and nephews.” That shuts them up because they’re stunned by the sheer numbers.
But yeah. If you want someone to babysit or remember birthdays, I’m probably not your person. The last child I watched was a toddler who got within 6 inches of the top of a flight of stairs while I went to check on something in the kitchen. Thank God for an alert houseguest who snatched the babe from certain death.
The other day took the cake, though. When we were moving mom to her new place, I gave my nephew and his 2 girls, ages 12 and 8, a ride back to their car.
I put the radio on Radio Disney, because of course – kids love that stuff, right? Wrong!
The older girl objected, saying that it wasn’t a good station, she didn’t like the songs. I was pushing radio buttons and got to the Electronic Area station on Sirius XM, which she, oddly, loved, so I left the song on for her.
You know how electronic dance songs are. 20 minutes long, no lyrics, same thing over and over til you want to run away sobbing. Or is that just me?
ANYWAY, the song I left on did have one line of lyrics. One line, but that one brief moment was quite enough to push me out of the Aunt of the Year competition, disqualified immediately, no return of my entry fees, get out, there’s the door.
Even more impressive, the ONE lyric line in the song has just two words. One of those words is safe for children. The other? Is not.
Those words? “Riverside, MotherF***er.”
I have a skill.