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No, the Red Stapler is not covered with spit

July 29, 2014

Thanks to my post mentioning a well-known blogger as my BlogHer roommate, I suddenly got lots of blog traffic. Hundreds more hits than usual, which is saying something, because my stats usually show low double-digit daily visits. If I made money off this blog (which I don’t), I’d be rolling in nickels!

Apparently She Who Shall Not Be Named (SWSNBN) is the focus of much internet criticism, and, due to my brief proximity in her presence, I became, briefly, a target as well.

I found the gossip site weird and hilarious. No detail was too small or too insignificant to be teased apart and analyzed. The commenters were especially thrilled to think that SWSNBN and I spent our time together discussing THEM, the almighty Hive Mind of Bloggy Gossip (in answer to that – no, not really. Sorry to disappoint).

The wild speculation made me laugh all day, though, so thanks for that. The only thing that pissed me off was that they spelled my name SueBob. Damn it! I hate intercaps! I guess this proves I am a diva – that I am most concerned about my name being spelled correctly.

Here are some of the wild assertions,debunked just for fun:

Is SueBob feeble minded, unable to think critically, or demented?
Absolutely not. Yes. I mean no. I’m not sure. Let me think on that.

Is SueBob under the mind control of SWSNBN?
I don’t think so. I gave her all my banking information and the pink slip to my car just to be nice, though. Was that a mistake?

Who spends 4 days in a hotel room with a complete stranger?
Well, not a complete stranger since we had spent time together before, but apparently two people who want to save about $400 each. And we didn’t really spend all that much time in the room. We were mostly out kicking kittens and pushing old people off bus benches.

SueBob changed critical comments and deleted SWSNBN’s name. Is she under the control of
I don’t know what is, but if they’ll pay me enough to support me in the style to which I’d like to become accustomed, I will not only modify comments, I’ll paint myself pink and post video of the process. Maybe. Let me ask my lawyer first.

Why does she carry that stupid stapler around?
Good question. If you find out, please tell me.

I mean, I saw The Jerk and I don’t carry a thermos around.
Thermos!! That’s a great idea. So much lighter than that stapler, which is a real hunk of metal. I’d pick up my purse and think “Why does this weigh 25 pounds? Oh, yeah, STAPLER.”

Now, thinking of a shiny new Thermos as a prop, I can’t wait for next year’s BlogHer. (Seriously, if I ever get married, and that chance is looking increasingly remote, being as how I am both Very Old and that I hate most people, I want “I’m Picking Out a Thermos for You” from The Jerk as my walk-on song. Wait, that’s baseball. Do weddings have walk-on songs? Maybe I should know that before I plan my wedding.)


Eeeew, people LICK that stapler, don’t they?
Here’s a little secret: those stapler photos are staged. It’s crazy how that works. It’s like ACTING. As far as I know, no one has actually salivaed the stapler, at least not on purpose. Gwen Bell did balance it on her skinny butt, but she was clothed, more or less.

I am so OVER SueBob.
You and me both, sister. You and me both. At least YOU can click away.

  1. Pauline permalink
    July 29, 2014 20:30

    Camel caps is the actual term. CamelCaps.

    • July 29, 2014 21:54

      The InterNets say BothAre correct. I wonder if CamelCaps has to do with CamelToe.

  2. July 29, 2014 23:29

    Frankly I was more worried about the fact that people’s HANDS touched that stapler being a nurse and all that…and yet I still posed with it because it’s a prop and it’s acting and it’s silly because frankly sometimes it is just fun to be silly and to make the acquaintance of a pretty wonderful someone like you!
    PS I remember when Gwen Bell posed with the Red Stapler.

    • July 30, 2014 06:23

      Maybe it should be the Red Stapler and Hand Sanitizer tour next time. I always like hanging out with you.

  3. cindymaddera permalink
    July 30, 2014 06:46

    I just gasped out loud at this. All of it. I just…How old are these people? 14, 15? I will never be over Suebob.

    • July 30, 2014 08:12

      Gossip is a funny thing. In some ways, it is a bonding experience and it enforces social norms. But it was still funny to see it all there in print, because it looks so much sillier all spelled out than spoken over a cup of coffee.

    • August 5, 2014 12:21

      That is exactly what I was going to say. Never Going to Be Over SueBob!

      • August 5, 2014 13:47

        I’m glad I have my 8 fans, because those people over at the hater site are certainly over me.

  4. July 30, 2014 08:03

    hahahahahahahahahaha lololololololololol hahahahahahahaha

    • July 30, 2014 08:10

      Denise, are you laughing at me, or laughing with me? 😉

  5. July 30, 2014 12:27

    Love you, lady. Mwah!

  6. July 30, 2014 12:34

    I love you, SUEBOB suebob Suebob SueBob. ❤

    • July 30, 2014 22:08

      Thank you, Leah. I assume you got home safe with all your stuff?

  7. July 30, 2014 15:38

    You are one of the good ones.

  8. The original MrExRedStapler (who doesn't mind InterCaps at all.) permalink
    August 1, 2014 06:59

    You – feeble minded? That’s a laugh. Anyone matching wits with you better bring along Oscars Wilde and Levant.

    • August 3, 2014 21:56

      Well, the people calling me feeble-minded etc. are people whose hobby it is to make fun of bloggers all day long, so consider the source.

      But thank you for saying so. Coming from you, that means a lot. I’m also happy you put me in the same sentence as Levant. Now that is someone I’d love to have dinner with.

  9. August 1, 2014 15:36

    Well, I couldn’t love Suebob more, except that if I had taken a red stapler photo. I’ve known you for like 5 years and have been in the presence of the stapler numerous times, and never have I posed with it. It’s like a unicorn to me. If there are no pictures with me in it, it might be a myth.

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