No, the Red Stapler is not covered with spit
Thanks to my post mentioning a well-known blogger as my BlogHer roommate, I suddenly got lots of blog traffic. Hundreds more hits than usual, which is saying something, because my stats usually show low double-digit daily visits. If I made money off this blog (which I don’t), I’d be rolling in nickels!
Apparently She Who Shall Not Be Named (SWSNBN) is the focus of much internet criticism, and, due to my brief proximity in her presence, I became, briefly, a target as well.
I found the gossip site weird and hilarious. No detail was too small or too insignificant to be teased apart and analyzed. The commenters were especially thrilled to think that SWSNBN and I spent our time together discussing THEM, the almighty Hive Mind of Bloggy Gossip (in answer to that – no, not really. Sorry to disappoint).
The wild speculation made me laugh all day, though, so thanks for that. The only thing that pissed me off was that they spelled my name SueBob. Damn it! I hate intercaps! I guess this proves I am a diva – that I am most concerned about my name being spelled correctly.
Here are some of the wild assertions,debunked just for fun:
Is SueBob feeble minded, unable to think critically, or demented?
Absolutely not. Yes. I mean no. I’m not sure. Let me think on that.
Is SueBob under the mind control of SWSNBN?
I don’t think so. I gave her all my banking information and the pink slip to my car just to be nice, though. Was that a mistake?
Who spends 4 days in a hotel room with a complete stranger?
Well, not a complete stranger since we had spent time together before, but apparently two people who want to save about $400 each. And we didn’t really spend all that much time in the room. We were mostly out kicking kittens and pushing old people off bus benches.
SueBob changed critical comments and deleted SWSNBN’s name. Is she under the control of Brand.com?
I don’t know what Brand.com is, but if they’ll pay me enough to support me in the style to which I’d like to become accustomed, I will not only modify comments, I’ll paint myself pink and post video of the process. Maybe. Let me ask my lawyer first.
Why does she carry that stupid stapler around?
Good question. If you find out, please tell me.
I mean, I saw The Jerk and I don’t carry a thermos around.
Thermos!! That’s a great idea. So much lighter than that stapler, which is a real hunk of metal. I’d pick up my purse and think “Why does this weigh 25 pounds? Oh, yeah, STAPLER.”
Now, thinking of a shiny new Thermos as a prop, I can’t wait for next year’s BlogHer. (Seriously, if I ever get married, and that chance is looking increasingly remote, being as how I am both Very Old and that I hate most people, I want “I’m Picking Out a Thermos for You” from The Jerk as my walk-on song. Wait, that’s baseball. Do weddings have walk-on songs? Maybe I should know that before I plan my wedding.)
Eeeew, people LICK that stapler, don’t they?
Here’s a little secret: those stapler photos are staged. It’s crazy how that works. It’s like ACTING. As far as I know, no one has actually salivaed the stapler, at least not on purpose. Gwen Bell did balance it on her skinny butt, but she was clothed, more or less.
I am so OVER SueBob.
You and me both, sister. You and me both. At least YOU can click away.