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Learning to Love the Inside of Me

September 2, 2016

Well, it finally happened. I only delayed it for five years, but I did it.

The dreaded colonoscopy.

DO NOT WORRY. WE WILL NOT DISCUSS POOP IN THIS POST. Do you not know me by now? Yeesh.

A good friend got a colon cancer diagnosis the first time she got a colonoscopy, at age 50. Even then, I put it off another few years.

Here’s the embarrassing part: I just didn’t want to bug someone to give me a ride home. I hate to ask favors like that.

At work, we talk about barriers to health care all the time. It’s pretty ridiculous that my barrier was stubborn independence.

I got the paperwork a couple times. Every time, there it was. YOU MUST HAVE TRANSPORTATION. Every time, I whiffed. I just never scheduled it.

Guess what? This time, I scheduled it and still did not have transportation. Yeah, I have friends. They all have jobs.

I talked to my friends and they said they could have driven themselves home, easily, even after the sedation. I didn’t want to take chances on that because I am the most sensitive person to each and every chemical thing on earth. If anyone were voted Most Likely to Act Like David After the Dentist, it would be me.

I planned to Uber it home, but I also knew they wouldn’t like that plan. So I told CC I was going to tell them she was my ride, and if they called her, for her not to come get me. I told her if it was an emergency, I would call her and then could she please pick me up?

I wrote down what I thought was CC’s work number and told the nurse that yes, indeedy, my friend was picking me up. My friends, I lied.

I also asked the doc not to sedate me much, so I got to watch the whole procedure. Hey, there’s my guts! In some places, people pay to have stuff put up their butts. I figured I might as well enjoy the show while I was there.

I got compliments on my colon prep. That’s a first. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you can’t achieve new highs after age 50.

When I got done, the nurse said “I tried to call your friend, but it says the number has been changed.” I told her I would get an Uber.

“Oh, no, you can’t do that!” she said. “You never know who will pick you up!”

I have Ubered all over the place, and I feel pretty comfortable Ubering in my own town.

I told her, “I will dig up my friend’s cell number.” Then I went in the bathroom and requested an Uber.

I lurked near the back door, checking my phone until the app showed the Uber guy was 1 minute away. I glanced around and made a break for it!

I spotted the Red Jetta just as he pulled up. I jumped in! No colonoscopy center could contain me!

Some people run from bank robberies. Other people run to catch trains in romantic movies. Me? I just run from nurses wielding clipboards. I hope they don’t remember me when I go back in 2026.




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