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Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life with Suebob

November 26, 2016

My alternate version of the four new episodes of Gilmore Girls:

Rory returns to Stars Hollow. After Yale, she became a protegé of Christiane Amanpour and covered wars and refugees across the world. She is older, wiser, and sadder. Her career is on hold because the network wants her to take classes to get rid of her baby voice. She sues them under the Americans with Disabilities act and the case drags on.

Lorelai makes a hash of her inn because of her poor business sense, her gigantic staff and her high overhead. Michel is long gone, obviously unfit for customer service. There are rumors that he is breeding chow dogs in New Jersey with a partner named Chet.

Lorelai discovers that she can make more money renting out the inn for filming than she can running a real inn. It becomes a popular spot for direct-to-Hulu reality shows like Hound Dog: Dog Breeders Find Love and the Great Australian Baking Show, which tends to be a little Marmite-heavy, if you ask me.

All this filming in town drives Taylor insane. No one minds.

Renting out the inn gives Lorelai time for her real passion: running a conscious-eating clinic where she teaches former junk food addicts like herself to get healthy by consuming food slowly and mindfully. She loses the 50 pounds she has packed on by eating pizza and Pop Tarts every day.

Sookie, inspired by Lorelai’s newfound health, develops a line of Kombucha drinks and the first Kombucha-based cleanse, which makes her a very wealthy woman. With Jackson’s help, she expands into expensive, fresh-pressed vegetable juices. Kohlrabi-pomegranate is my favorite.

Logan calls up Rory. He is engaged to a lovely French woman, but wants to continue the friends-with-benefits relationship he had with Rory some years back.

Rory tells him “I’m a 32-year-old woman, not some 24-year-old idiot anymore. You’re a complete jerk for fooling around on your fiancee. Step off, pal.” He calls up his friends to talk about this, but they are all in rehab and not allowed to take calls for the first 30 days.

Logan runs the digital arm of his family’s media empire. He has made buckets of money by offering bloggers hi-res images in return for writing favorable blog posts for his clients. He is the only person in the history of the internet to have ever made this work.

Miss Patty has died of lung cancer, Babette of diabetes. I tried to warn them.

Emily Gilmore suffered through a brief period of mourning after Richard’s sudden death, but awoke one day with the realization that she was meant to take over his business. Without missing a step, she became a major player in the ACA private exchange market. Richard smiled down from heaven. She began a relationship with a driven, intense Chinese businessman and now splits her time between Connecticut and Shanghai. Her Chinese is flawless.

Lane left her dumbass husband and opened a music school called “The School of Stars (Hollow). She lives with Mrs. Kim, who is a part-time vocal coach at the school, devoting the rest of her time to doting on her twin grandchildren. Mr. Kim still does not exist.

Kirk has a podcast called “How to Get All the Jobs.” It is moderately popular among millennials who are wondering how to do just that.

Jess cooks at Luke’s Diner. He still reads Kerouac and Bukowski and dresses like a hobo. He dreams of glory. His notebook is filled with the start of multiple novels.

Dean’s wife Jenny runs the front of the house at Luke’s, which means Lorelai and Rory can never go there again. Weird, right? That’s life!

Dean himself is a happy stay-at-home dad. He started a blog about being a stay-at-home dad but only got 3 entries in before he got bored with it, so it sits forever parked with the last entry from April 11, 2009. He drives a very cool 68 Camaro that he restored himself on the odd occasion that he is going out without the children, because you cannot put car seats in a 68 Camaro.

No one has heard from Paris and no one cares.

Lorelai and Luke decide to get married. Well, Lorelai plans a whole wedding and then tells Luke that they are getting married. Luke wisely suggests that leaping into things without consulting other people is a continuing theme in her life and shows that she has some serious boundary issues. He agrees to marry her if she goes to therapy for at least six months first.

Rory travels to Afghanistan to work on opening a school for girls. She reconnects with a photojournalist she knew during her time there and they fall instantly and madly in love. They travel the world, telling important stories, living out of suitcases, and using all their money to fund the school. She remembers to take her birth control.

 

 

 

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