Which Gilmore Girls character is most odious? An exploration.
Now we come to the important question of the ages: Which Gilmore Girls character is most odious? There is so much odious to go around!
Candidate 1: Lorelai
Evidence: She’s an adult who acts as entitled as a Disney stepsister. She lies a lot, but gets furious when people don’t tell her the truth. She left her fiancee at the altar for no discernable reason and then didn’t bother to leave a post-it note. She sleeps with her ex-husband on the reg, even when he’s involved with someone else. She talks ALL THE DAMN TIME. She drank up ALL THE COFFEE.
Candidate 2: Rory (she doesn’t get a bolded name because everything about her is so not bold. She’ll be lucky to make italics).
Evidence: Everyone thinks she’s so great, but I can’t figure out why. Has she ever done anything for anyone else? She moons around with her doe-eyes and tiny voice all through her freshman college year, never making friends beyond the electric-sander-voiced Paris. People do amazing things for her all the time – like pay her way through a fancy-pants private high school and YALE fergodssake and she barely seems to acknowledge it. She dumps a great guy for a loser, then puts up with a lot of boring crap from him without ever yelling “WTF??” at him for being such a noodge. She’s supposed to be BFFs with Lane, but she never invites Lane to anything. When she finally loses her virginity, it’s to a married guy. She’s inexplicably popular with guys, which is annoying as hell.
Candidate 3: Emily
Evidence: She’s the world’s biggest snob, and that is in a world with 7 billion people. She bumps Baptists off airplanes so she can take her grandaughter on a spur-of-the-moment European tour. She bosses people around in a way that would make Sheryl Sandberg ok with calling her bossy. Can’t keep a maid. She serves escargot to people she knows hate escargot.
Candidate 4: Richard
Evidence: Convinced that insurance is a dynamic and interesting field. Wears bow ties. Destroy’s his partner’s career, just to save his own bacon, even though his daughter is dating the partner. Forces a guy who runs a diner to buy golf clubs he can’t afford. Complicit with his wife in scaring his granddaughter’s boyfriend away. Sings the Yale bulldog song proudly and in public. Doesn’t know he’s a cliche.
Candidate 5: Dean
Evidence: Floppy hair. Has never said an interesting sentence in his life. Deploys wounded puppy dog eyes as a weapon. Is apparently a sexless eunuch in 2 years of teen dating, until he suddenly cheats on his cute wife, who just finally learned to cook a roast for him, dammit.
Candidate 6: Jess
Evidence: Emo-ier than anyone has ever emoed before. Tries for darkly brooding, but the effect is ruined by his poofy chicken hair. Causes trouble and havoc wherever he goes. Is rude to customers. Horrible to anyone who comes near him. Reads Kerouac and Bukowski. Also doesn’t know he’s a cliche.
Candidate 7: Taylor
Evidence: Petty bureaucrat with complicated facial hair. Know-it-all. Dresses in old-timey outfits whenever he gets the chance.
Candidate 8: Kirk
Evidence: More anxious than Woody Allen. Lives with his mom. Takes all the jobs from everyone who needs them. Runs amok naked.
Candidate 9: Sookie
Evidence: She claims to be a chef, yet is clumsy and thinks small peaches are watery. Needs a kitchen brigade of 5 in an inn with 20 guests max. She uses a whisk to make meringue and whipped cream and this is AFTER the invention of electricity. Often speaks in a high-pitched baby voice. Wears kerchiefs.
Candidate 10: Luke
Evidence: Cranky to everyone. Lets his no-good nephew sponge off him. Has some weird kind of razor that leaves him with 3-day stubble every single day. Dresses like a serial killer, the kind that disappears into the woods afterwards. Yelly. Gets married on a whim. Takes Monte Cristo sandwiches off the menu.
Candidate 11: Michel
Evidence: Almost forgot him, but he is the person I’d be most likely to throttle if I met in real life. Complete customer service jackass, yet works in customer service. Works the desk at an inn, but acts like he’s running the Ritz EXCEPT THE RITZ WOULD NEVER HIRE THIS GUY. Gives the French a bad name. Likes Chow dogs.
Ok, there’s 11 good solid candidates. I could reach into the second-string, slightly less annoying ranks of Miss Patty, Babette and Rory’s dopey roommates. And I’m leaving out Paris because: too obvious.
It just goes to show you, we’re all annoying if you think about it hard enough. Or at least the characters in Stars Hollow are. Take your pick.
Ok, step up and vote. Who will take the Crown of Annoyingness?