What I Got the Chance to Say to My Dad
I wrote this in 2003. It was published in our local paper on the Op-Ed page, so my dad got to read it, and I’m glad he did. This is my first Father’s Day without him, and even though I got to have him for 49 years, I didn’t realize how hard it would be.
Dad working on a weekend with all of us with him. That was normal. We spent a lot of time in oil fields, watching him fix things.
__________________
My dad never said he loved me. I didn’t even consciously think about it until I was in my 20s. One day, when I was at work, my co-worker Ken took a call from his 6-year-old daughter. He talked with her for a few minutes and ended the conversation by saying “I love you, honey.”
I was suddenly overwhelmed with emotion and burst into tears. For the first time, I felt all the pent-up sadness I had because I had never heard, and probably never would hear, my dad say those words to me.
I though a lot about that. Sometimes I would be sad and sometimes mad, and always full of self-pity. I felt I had missed out on so much by not having my dad say he loved me. It seems like one of those basic things kids need to know from their parents, and my dad had never said it to me even once. I brooded over the injustice of that and wondered what I could do to change my father.
A few years passed, and I ran into my former co-worker Ken again. I almost didn’t recognize him. Though we were close in age, he looked a lot older. He was haggard and his face was grey.
I asked him what he had been up to and he sighed deeply and told me. It sounded like he had an early midlife crisis of epic proportions. He left his wife, dropped out of his church, had a bunch of wild relationships, moved out of state and developed a drug and gambling problem. He had lost everything he owned and was on shaky terms with his family.
I felt sorry for Ken, but I felt worse for his kids. This man I had idealized because of what he said to his daughter on the phone helped me to realize that there are more important things than words.
My dad grew up in a place and time where men were not chatty. He reminds me a bit of Gary Cooper. He is a brilliant storyteller and loves a good joke, but he does not speak the language of emotions. I would be less surprised to hear him speaking Japanese than I would to hear him begin a sentence “I feel…”
My father never seemed to be overly happy or sad or giddy or tired or in pain. He was just a steady force that kept going through life, plowing ahead despite all obstacles.
There were things I couldn’t count on my dad for. I couldn’t count on him to say he loved me. I also couldn’t count on him for extravagant praise. When I ran to him with my latest accomplishment, his highest compliment would be to mutter, “That’s pretty good.” I couldn’t count on long heartfelt talks like fathers and daughters had on TV. But what I could count on him for was everything else.
When things needed to get done, he took care of them and made it look pretty easy. He went to work every day and came right home every evening. His life wasn’t flashy or adventurous or wild. It was centered around Mom, the five of us kids, the house and the relatives.
I am sure that there were times when he would have rather been anywhere but in a little house with six other people and one bathroom, but he never made it seem like that.
My dad took on his responsibilities without complaining, without wavering, seemingly without resentment. He made sure we had a roof over our heads, clean clothes, food to eat and never gave a hint of what a monumental task it was to provide all that for us.
He never seemed to get sick or tired, never lashed out in anger or frustration. When I was a child, that all seemed absolutely normal, but now that I am an adult and am often sick, tired frustrated or grumpy myself, I am amazed at his strength.
My dad is a man of actions, not words. He let me know how he felt about me each and every day, and if I couldn’t hear him say “I love you,” maybe it is because I was only listening with my ears and not my heart.
Happy Father’s Day to my dad, Bernard Davis, and to all the dads like him, men who care enough for their families to make the small, right choices every day that add up to a life filled with love.
50 for 50 Day 33: Fresh Air Fund
It’s my 50th Birthday Celebration, Day 33. Maybe I’ll actually make it to the end!
The background, for those of you who have been trapped behind bars for the past month: because I feel so blessed and have pretty much everything I could ever need, I am asking people to get involved with charities, if they are so inspired, in lieu of any fabulous birthday presents you were planning on sending me (or not).
I am featuring a different charity every day for 50 days leading up to my 50th birthday to give you plenty of chances to get involved. I started on May 18. I wanted to give a voice to different good works around the globe. If you ARE inspired to take action, please leave me a comment and let me know that you did. This is all I want for my birthday – to spread some love and kindness. Thank you, my dear friends.
Today’s organization, The Fresh Air Fund, is in honor of my mom. She grew up during the Great Depression. Like many families of the time, her folks just barely got by. Her mom worked picking rotten lemons out of the crates at the packing house, while her dad was unemployed. They shared a big house with no running water with a bunch of extended family members.
Of course there was no money for summer camp. But someone gave my mom a camp scholarship, and 75 years later, she still gives thanks for that kindness.
The Fresh Air Fund helps kids like my mom.
From their website:
Since 1877, The Fresh Air Fund, a not-for-profit agency, has provided free summer experiences in the country to more than 1.7 million New York City children from disadvantaged communities. Each year, thousands of children visit volunteer host families in 13 states and Canada through the Friendly Town Program or attend Fresh Air Fund camps.
You can donate here. They are also looking for volunteers on the east coast of the US and Canada.
This is not kids at camp. These are my great-nephews at Thanksgiving, but hey, they’re kids, and they’re having fun, which is the whole idea, right?
Previously featured organizations:
Electronic Frontier Foundation
Arghand
Impact Personal Safety
Kristin Brooks Hope Center
Injured Marine Semper Fi Fund
Light Up the World Foundation
Planned Parenthood
Doctors Without Borders
Heifer International
Team Rubicon
Kiva
The Carter Center
Bikes Not Bombs
Friends of Maddie
ProPublica
Surfrider Foundation
Livestrong
United Through Reading
Operation Shower
The Liz Logelin Foundation
KidSave
American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals
Kids Vs Global Warming
Help a Mother Out
Direct Relief International
WriteGirl
Accelerated Cure for Multiple Sclerosis
Women for Women
Epic Change
Amnesty International
Excuse me for being a girl
Representative John Boehner, Speaker of the House of representatives and therefore one of the most powerful men in the United States and the world, belongs to a golf club that not only will not admit women, it won’t even allow them on the grounds.
It’s so bad that years ago, when a small plane carrying a woman crashed near the 18th hole, employees quickly escorted her to the front gate and sent her on her way.
I guess that shouldn’t surprise me, given the Republican party’s attitude toward women in general – that we shouldn’t be allowed to prevent pregnancy or decide what to do about it, but after we give birth, we certainly shouldn’t receive any assistance raising or educating the children we were forced to bear.
But it does. It is 2012 and I do find it shocking that, simply because of the arrangement and function of my genitalia, I would be denied entry to a club, and that, furthermore, the Speaker of the House thinks that should not be a problem. Memo to the Speaker: exclusion is a problem here in the land of the free and home of the brave where we are supposed to have equality for everyone.
Oh, calm down, little lady, it’s just a golf club that you don’t want to go to, anyway! Why so upset?
I imagine that if I had a club where people at the highest levels of power discussed issues of vital importance to our country in a congenial atmosphere of camaraderie but I decided to exclude people with naturally Oompa-Loompa orange skin, Mr. Boehner might change his tune.
If Mr. Boehner wanted to chat with Secretary of State Hillary Clinton over a round of golf, he couldn’t take her to this club. It’s just galling that he associates with people who, for one reason or another, for some reason find women so objectionable that they can’t even swing a golf club in their presence.
This is part of their makeup, part of what is so vitally important to them that a plane crash victim had to be hustled off the property rather than given a comfy chair and a glass of water while she settled her nerves.
I have personally argued (somewhat tongue in cheek, and with a great deal of back-and-forth) that men shouldn’t be allowed at BlogHer. As the member of an oppressed group (and if you don’t think women are still oppressed, try being one), I felt that we needed a place to be open and flower on our own. But you know what – I have changed my mind. I feel like BlogHer has become such a place of power for women that no matter how many men come, the girls will be all right.
Meanwhile, back in Boehner’s world, men still control government, business, banking, the military, the media and most of the money. I wonder when they will feel they are safe enough to let women in?
I’m ready to kick discrimination in the nuts.
50 for 50 Day 32: Electronic Frontier Foundation
It’s my 50th Birthday Celebration, Day 32 (which was Magic Johnson’s number. The best player to ever play basketball. Or was it Jordan? In any case, it ISN’T LeBron).
Anyhoo (don’t you hate people who say weird stuff like “Anyhoo”?), here’s my story: because I feel so blessed and have pretty much everything I could ever need, I am asking people to get involved with charities, if they are so inspired, in lieu of any fabulous birthday presents you were planning on sending me (or not).
I am featuring a different charity every day for 50 days leading up to my 50th birthday to give you plenty of chances to get involved. I started on May 18. I wanted to give a voice to different good works around the globe. If you ARE inspired to take action, please leave me a comment and let me know that you did. This is all I want for my birthday – to spread some love and kindness. Thank you, my dear friends.
Can you imagine what a big, juicy target the internet is for power-hungry governments and money-hungry corporations? The Electronic Frontier Foundation has been fighting the good fight to keep the internet open and free since there WAS an internet. Or World Wide Web. Whatever.
From their website:
Blending the expertise of lawyers, policy analysts, activists, and technologists, EFF achieves significant victories on behalf of consumers and the general public. EFF fights for freedom primarily in the courts, bringing and defending lawsuits even when that means taking on the US government or large corporations. By mobilizing more than 61,000 concerned citizens through our Action Center, EFF beats back bad legislation. In addition to advising policymakers, EFF educates the press and public.
Read about their victories. Pretty cool. For instance, way back in 1990, they fought to keep email free from prying government eyes – from their website:
EFF set one of the first precedents protecting computer communications from unwarranted government invasion. In 1990, the Secret Service seized the computers of a small company out of Austin, Texas, called Steve Jackson Games. The computers included the company’s electronic bulletin board system, a precursor the Internet for exchanging private email. This case was the first to establish that it is illegal for law enforcement to access and read private electronic mail without a warrant.
Donate here. They also have an action page to send emails on urgent matters of internet freedom. Go, send and email. You’ll feel better and help preserve democracy in the process.
Previously featured organizations:
Arghand
Impact Personal Safety
Kristin Brooks Hope Center
Injured Marine Semper Fi Fund
Light Up the World Foundation
Planned Parenthood
Doctors Without Borders
Heifer International
Team Rubicon
Kiva
The Carter Center
Bikes Not Bombs
Friends of Maddie
ProPublica
Surfrider Foundation
Livestrong
United Through Reading
Operation Shower
The Liz Logelin Foundation
KidSave
American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals
Kids Vs Global Warming
Help a Mother Out
Direct Relief International
WriteGirl
Accelerated Cure for Multiple Sclerosis
Women for Women
Epic Change
Amnesty International
50 for 50 Day 31: Arghand
Polishing soaps. Photo from Arghand.org
Thanks for stopping by my 50th Birthday Celebration, Day 31. Thirty-wonderful organizations featured!
Again, here’s my story: because I feel so blessed and have pretty much everything I could ever need, I am asking people to get involved with charities, if they are so inspired, in lieu of any fabulous birthday presents you were planning on sending me (or not).
I am featuring a different charity every day for 50 days leading up to my 50th birthday to give you plenty of chances to get involved. I started on May 18. I wanted to give a voice to different good works around the globe. If you ARE inspired to take action, please leave me a comment and let me know that you did. This is all I want for my birthday – to spread some love and kindness. Thank you, my dear friends.
I’m not usually a proponent of the “Shopping to make a donation” idea, but Arghand is pretty dang awesome. It was founded by former NPR correspondent Sarah Chayes with the specific idea of using local materials to create products that could be sold to support Afghan women artisans.
From their website:
In addition to creating the highest quality skincare, Arghand’s goal is to create a viable economic alternative to opium production, the major industry in Afghanistan. Our profits go back into the Arghand Cooperative to support and sustain the men and women who work for equal pay and participate equally in all aspects of production and management regardless of gender, ethnicity or tribal affiliation.
Shop here. You can also inquire about donations.
Previously featured organizations:
Impact Personal Safety
Kristin Brooks Hope Center
Injured Marine Semper Fi Fund
Light Up the World Foundation
Planned Parenthood
Doctors Without Borders
Heifer International
Team Rubicon
Kiva
The Carter Center
Bikes Not Bombs
Friends of Maddie
ProPublica
Surfrider Foundation
Livestrong
United Through Reading
Operation Shower
The Liz Logelin Foundation
KidSave
American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals
Kids Vs Global Warming
Help a Mother Out
Direct Relief International
WriteGirl
Accelerated Cure for Multiple Sclerosis
Women for Women
Epic Change
Amnesty International
50 for 50 Day 30: Impact Personal Safety
Thanks for stopping by my 50th Birthday Celebration, Day 30. Fewer than three weeks to go!
Again, here’s my story: because I feel so blessed and have pretty much everything I could ever need, I am asking people to get involved with charities, if they are so inspired, in lieu of any fabulous birthday presents you were planning on sending me (or not).
I am featuring a different charity every day for 50 days leading up to my 50th birthday to give you plenty of chances to get involved. I started on May 18. I wanted to give a voice to different good works around the globe. If you ARE inspired to take action, please leave me a comment and let me know that you did. This is all I want for my birthday – to spread some love and kindness. Thank you, my dear friends.
As you can see from the photo above – probably my favorite photo of me, ever – I took self-defense classes. I think everybody should. Knowing how to fight, and fight hard, doesn’t make me less careful about my personal safety. It just gives me a better idea of how to pay attention and what is a real threat and what isn’t. I feel more relaxed AND more aware. I also feel stronger and more confident.
We’ve all heard the statistics about assaults on women. And men are victimized all the time, too. So learning to fight is just a great idea.
Impact Personal Safety is a super-effective course for learning to protect oneself.
Donations will help give scholarships to at-risk youth, survivors of domestic violence and others that can’t afford the classes. Go read the success stories and get inspired.
Previously featured organizations:
Kristin Brooks Hope Center
Injured Marine Semper Fi Fund
Light Up the World Foundation
Planned Parenthood
Doctors Without Borders
Heifer International
Team Rubicon
Kiva
The Carter Center
Bikes Not Bombs
Friends of Maddie
ProPublica
Surfrider Foundation
Livestrong
United Through Reading
Operation Shower
The Liz Logelin Foundation
KidSave
American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals
Kids Vs Global Warming
Help a Mother Out
Direct Relief International
WriteGirl
Accelerated Cure for Multiple Sclerosis
Women for Women
Epic Change
Amnesty International
50 for 50 Day 29: Kristin Brooks Hope Center
Thanks for stopping by my 50th Birthday Celebration, Day 29. Almost 60 percent complete and going strong.
Again, here’s my story and I’m sticking with it: because I feel so blessed and have pretty much everything I could ever need, I am asking people to get involved with charities, if they are so inspired, in lieu of any fabulous birthday presents you were planning on sending me (or not).
I am featuring a different charity every day for 50 days leading up to my 50th birthday to give you plenty of chances to get involved. I started on May 18. I wanted to give a voice to different good works around the globe. If you ARE inspired to take action, please leave me a comment and let me know that you did. This is all I want for my birthday – to spread some love and kindness. Thank you, my dear friends.
Today’s organization works to prevent suicide. Kristin Brooks Hope Center and its companion phone line 1-800-SUICIDE are always available for those who need help.
I went back and forth about 1000 times about whether to post this photo here. But dang it, suicide happens to real people and this was one of them. And I miss him a lot. On my 50th birthday, he would have turned 48. Vaya con Dios, Curt.
Suicide stinks. And I know it has touched almost everyone. The ragged, gaping wounds it leaves in the lives of those who are left behind…ugh. I have a hard time even writing about it. So.
1-800-SUICIDE. Remember it in case you ever need it and pass it along.
From their website:
While the idea of a suicide hotline is not a new one, the challenge of creating a national network and connecting our country’s crisis centers under a single, easy-to-remember, toll-free telephone was a daunting task. Heretofore, neither government agencies nor non-profit organizations had ever attempted such a project.
People in crisis generally don’t have the energy or ability to take on a long search for help. When those looking for support dial 1.800.SUICIDE they are seamlessly connected to an available certified crisis center nearest to their calling location. While it’s seemingly a simple concept, the Network is elegant and effective when put into action. Behind the scenes there are significant computer and telephony infrastructures working in concert to provide help within 20 to 30 seconds of a call being placed.
Donation page, with unfortunate auto-play video action. They are also looking for volunteers in a variety of capacities.
Previously featured organizations:
Injured Marine Semper Fi Fund
Light Up the World Foundation
Planned Parenthood
Doctors Without Borders
Heifer International
Team Rubicon
Kiva
The Carter Center
Bikes Not Bombs
Friends of Maddie
ProPublica
Surfrider Foundation
Livestrong
United Through Reading
Operation Shower
The Liz Logelin Foundation
KidSave
American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals
Kids Vs Global Warming
Help a Mother Out
Direct Relief International
WriteGirl
Accelerated Cure for Multiple Sclerosis
Women for Women
Epic Change
Amnesty International
50 for 50 Day 28: Injured Marine Semper Fi Fund
Thanks for stopping by my 50th Birthday Celebration, Day 28.
Again, here’s my story and I’m sticking with it: because I feel so blessed and have pretty much everything I could ever need, I am asking people to get involved with charities, if they are so inspired, in lieu of any fabulous birthday presents you were planning on sending me (or not).
I am featuring a different charity every day for 50 days leading up to my 50th birthday to give you plenty of chances to get involved. I started on May 18. I wanted to give a voice to different good works around the globe. If you ARE inspired to take action, please leave me a comment and let me know that you did. This is all I want for my birthday – to spread some love and kindness. Thank you, my dear friends.
Today’s organization is the Injured Marine Semper Fi Fund. I know it probably seems funny for a lefty-liberal anti-war loon like me to keep featuring groups that benefit soldiers and their families. There are a lot of anti-war people who are or have been in the military, too – in fact, probably more than in the general population.
But no matter what my feelings are about war, I feel very strongly that people who put their lives on the line for the benefit of the general public, no matter whether they are police, firefighters, military – they deserve special status. We owe them a great debt.
Video by: AJ Messer/Frederick News Published Date: 11/11/10
From their website:
The Semper Fi Fund (SFF) provides relief for financial needs that arise during hospitalization and recovery as well as assistance for those with perpetuating needs. Our program provides support in a variety of ways including: Service Member and Family Support, Specialized & Adaptive Equipment, Adaptive Housing, Adaptive Transportation, Education and Career Transition Assistance, Therapeutic Arts and Team Semper Fi.
Our streamlined structure keeps overhead very low – at 5% – because we realize every dollar saved can be put to better use elsewhere. The American Institute of Philanthropy has given us an “A+” rating and Charity Navigator has given us their “Four Star” rating, the highest rating for each organization.
This is their donation page. You can also become part of their Community Semper Fi Team by competing in athletic events and raising money that way.
Previously featured organizations:
Light Up the World Foundation
Planned Parenthood
Doctors Without Borders
Heifer International
Team Rubicon
Kiva
The Carter Center
Bikes Not Bombs
Friends of Maddie
ProPublica
Surfrider Foundation
Livestrong
United Through Reading
Operation Shower
The Liz Logelin Foundation
KidSave
American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals
Kids Vs Global Warming
Help a Mother Out
Direct Relief International
WriteGirl
Accelerated Cure for Multiple Sclerosis
Women for Women
Epic Change
Amnesty International
50 for 50 Day 27: Light Up The World Foundation
Thanks for stopping by my 50th Birthday Celebration, Day 27.
Here’s the background story: because I feel so blessed and have pretty much everything I could ever need, I am asking people to get involved with charities, if they are so inspired, in lieu of any fabulous birthday presents you were planning on sending me (or not).
I am featuring a different charity every day for 50 days leading up to my 50th birthday to give you plenty of chances to get involved. I started on May 18. I wanted to give a voice to different good works around the globe. If you ARE inspired to take action, please leave me a comment and let me know that you did. This is all I want for my birthday – to spread some love and kindness. Thank you, my dear friends.
Here’s another one of those organizations you don’t hear a lot about: Light Up the World Foundation.
From their website:
An enormous global demand for energy exists in off-grid rural communities. Our primary objective is to promote community development through the design and installation of renewable energy and high efficiency lighting systems in off-grid communities to replace inefficient sources of energy and light such as kerosene.
I was so charmed by their idea of using simple, modern techologies to bring light to people who don’t have it. It seems inconceivable to not have electricity and lighting, but many people around the world don’t.
You can donate here. They can also teach you to build lighting systems at one of their seminars.
Previously featured organizations:
Planned Parenthood
Doctors Without Borders
Heifer International
Team Rubicon
Kiva
The Carter Center
Bikes Not Bombs
Friends of Maddie
ProPublica
Surfrider Foundation
Livestrong
United Through Reading
Operation Shower
The Liz Logelin Foundation
KidSave
American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals
Kids Vs Global Warming
Help a Mother Out
Direct Relief International
WriteGirl
Accelerated Cure for Multiple Sclerosis
Women for Women
Epic Change
Amnesty International
50 for 50 Day 26: Planned Parenthood
Extra points to anyone who has memorized the intro I’ve been using for almost a month now…Thanks for stopping by my 50th Birthday Celebration, Day 26.
Here’s the background story: because I feel so blessed and have pretty much everything I could ever need, I am asking people to get involved with charities, if they are so inspired, in lieu of any fabulous birthday presents you were planning on sending me (or not).
I am featuring a different charity every day for 50 days leading up to my 50th birthday to give you plenty of chances to get involved. I started on May 18. I wanted to give a voice to different good works around the globe. If you ARE inspired to take action, please leave me a comment and let me know that you did. This is all I want for my birthday – to spread some love and kindness. Thank you, my dear friends.
Planned Parenthood has taken a beating lately. People who have an agenda that includes controlling women’s reproductive health have made false claims, like the one Senator John Kyl made, and which was ripped apart by Stephen Colbert:
On my soapbox: I believe that a society where women have equality is better for everyone. Better for women, better for men, better for babies and children, better for the environment, and justice, and peace. Look around the world. Where women are treated best are the best places on earth to live, period.
An important part of women’s equality is women having control over their own bodies. The right to be safe in your own body, to be healthy, and to have control over if, when and how you reproduce is crucial. Planned Parenthood has been at the forefront of this effort for over 90 years and they deserve our respect and support.
Three percent of their budget goes to providing abortion services, and I’m fine with that. Women will always need abortions. 30% of US women will have one by age 45. THAT’s a fact you don’t hear very often. If women are going to get abortions, they should be done in a safe manner in a medically supervised setting.
The other 97 percent of PP’s budget is stuff like basic reproductive health services and birth control. And if we want to reduce the number of abortions, providing birth control every woman can afford is an excellent place to start.
You can donate here. And they have a cool political action page, too.
Previously featured organizations:
Doctors Without Borders
Heifer International
Team Rubicon
Kiva
The Carter Center
Bikes Not Bombs
Friends of Maddie
ProPublica
Surfrider Foundation
Livestrong
United Through Reading
Operation Shower
The Liz Logelin Foundation
KidSave
American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals
Kids Vs Global Warming
Help a Mother Out
Direct Relief International
WriteGirl
Accelerated Cure for Multiple Sclerosis
Women for Women
Epic Change
Amnesty International
Suebob's Red Stapler 